Joshua Thorin Messer

Hi. I’m Thorin, and I’m a perfectionist.

“Hi, Thorin!”

So you know how there’s stuff you’d like to try, or stuff you’d like to pick back up that you used to do, but you can’t? You can’t because you can’t stand that “beginner” time when you suck at it. You’ll never be good because you can’t go ahead and make mistakes.

It’s frustrating to not know something. It makes you—it makes ME feel like I’m no good. At anything. That I’m—and here’s a perfectionist thing—worthless. Because I can’t hit that high C anymore. Because I can’t do a 100m breast stroke in 1:12 like I could when I was 15. Because I can’t pronounce “ra” right in Japanese.

Yeah, me too. When did this happen? When I was a kid, I didn’t give a shit about being good at stuff. What I liked, as a kid, I liked doing stuff. Anything. Totally wacky, goofy, even dumb stuff. Making useless, inane noises. Throwing my body around like I was a rag doll. I didn’t have to execute a perfect tango. I could jump up and down!

I don’t know what happened. I don’t know when. Maybe that’s just what happens. Maybe it’s just life. But it sucks to go so completely the other way. It sucks to feel paralyzed by fear.

So this is why I would try something like Shiva Nata. Because I’m supposed to look ridiculous. I’m supposed to mess it up, be confused. And it works. When I’m doing shiva nata, and I get totally lost and just start flailing around, I feel so…free. I feel completely elated. I laugh. Hell, I giggle. Because I’m silly, and it feels good. Just like when I was a kid.

So thanks, Havinator. For bringing this goofy sense of joy back into my life. For helping me give myself permission to be silly again. For everything you do. You are truly a beautiful person.

Love,
   —One of the Thousand.